parenting

we do things different

Melissa 16 Comments

Junie B. Jones is not allowed in our house. We read one of this popular children's series last summer and I was appalled. The heroine, Junie, was rude, obnoxious, manipulative, disrespectful and mean.  No thank you.

I told Ellie that she was not allowed to read any of these books again. But several of her friends read them. Then the teacher read one to the class. And then guess what book someone brought home from the school library this week? 

We talked about how other kids sometimes are allowed to do things that she wasn't. We talked about how she wasn't the only one not allowed to read them – I know several other moms who don't allow those books either. We talked about why I said she wasn't allowed to read them and what kind of characters we want to read about.

She was very upset that she was caught disobeying. But my husband managed to get out of her that she was feeling left out. Lots of kids read these and talk about them and she wishes she could too. She said she knows that Junie isn't someone she should act like, but she thought the books were funny and wanted to be able to read them like her friends. So we decided that we would read one together and decide together about reading more.

And then we talked about how for the rest of her life, other people are going to do things that she can't. There will be books, movies, tv shows, concerts, music and activities that we will not permit her to experience, but other parents would. We talked about being different, being set apart, guarding our minds and spirits, and honoring God in our choices.

Because this is just the beginning.

and then the goldfish died

Melissa 8 Comments

Almost exactly two and a half years ago, we finally caved and got the girls a pet. Two $2.50 goldfish from PetSmart. (What? That's almost as good as a dog!) They were promptly named Cinderella and Ariel, were deeply love and the girls could even tell them apart, despite them being small, virtually identical goldfish. We were not expecting them to last long.

Background information: Our first attempt at pets was during Ellie's Nemo-obsessed stage. We bought her two goldfish. They lasted less than a week before they both died. Luckily, Ellie was only 20 months old, so she didn't notice and we decided to quit before this got expensive.

Anyway, I walked in the girls room to get their pajamas on Monday night and noticed one of their beloved  goldfish was floating at the top of the tank…

Upside down.

CRAP!

Sidebar: I knew these dumb fish would die while my husband was out of town, so I would have to deal with it on my own. I just KNEW it!

You see, my girls are very emotional about saying goodbye.  They cry for three days after Grandma leaves. They cry at the very thought of moving to a different house someday, because they would miss their pink bedroom. And its not unheard of for them to tear up a little when Daddy leaves for work. So you can only imagine the grief and the tears I was anticipating. And oh, the questions! "Is Cinderella in heaven now?" (Cinderella died. Not to be confused with the virtually identical Ariel, who is alive and swimming.) 

The girls were busy playing in my room, so I quickly took the fish tank downstairs and cleaned up the tank (ew) and took the dead fish out and put it in a coffee cup (EWW!!!) and tried to decide what the heck to do with this stupid, gross dead fish i mean "Cinderella."

I decided against showing them the dead fish and having any type of 'ceremony.' These fish had an extraordinarily long lives for cheap goldfish, so we are unlikely to have this same luck again. And I do NOT want to start a tradition I'll have to keep up! 

I sat the girls down in their room and had the dreaded conversation. They actually took it pretty well. Their faces were initially horrified and sad, but as we talked about what a long life the fish had, what a good fish she was, and how lucky we were that she was our fish. We talked about how thankful we can be for our wonderful Cinderella and how she will be missed. (INSERT INTERNAL  EYE ROLLING HERE!) When I said that we can get a new fish soon, they cheered up and were okay.

Tears were shead. Prayers for Cinderella were prayed. They talked to Ariel about not being afraid to be by herself in the fishtank.

Then, with zero ceremony at all, I snuck into the downstairs bathroom and flushed our dear pet fish, "Cinderella" down the toilet.


santa doesn’t come to our house

Melissa 8 Comments

Wait! Let me explain!

My husband’s family growing up didn’t do the whole Santa thing. He knew who Santa was, of course, but Santa didn’t bring the gifts on Christmas morning. Aside from the whole “Christmas is about Jesus, not Santa” thing, his parents felt that saying that ‘Santa’ brought the gifts wasn’t fair to the people (usually grandparents) who had actually given them. The kids knew about Santa, but he just wasn’t a part of their Christmas morning.

We decided to take the same route with our kids. For all the reasons my in-laws did, but also because we hate the idea of lying to our kids. When the kids ask about Santa, we tell them the story of Santa, we read Christmas books and we have a few Santa ornaments hanging on the tree. (We never say “Santa is not real” because he was real. But mostly because I would not want her to repeat that to another kid!)

We basically say in our house, we celebrate Jesus, not Santa. And our kids have always been totally cool with it. Well, they are four and five, so its not like they know the difference yet!

But a few days ago, our five-year-old asked me, “Are these Christmas stockings bad because they have Santa on them?”

So now what do we do? This could get to be a problem. I would never want her to tell another child that Santa is not real or that Santa is bad. I don’t want her to be that kid. (Remember that kid in first grade who told everyone else that he found out that Santa wasn’t real? And then you ran home to your mom and asked her if it was true? And she assured you it wasn’t, but you still waited up all Christmas Eve because you weren’t sure?)

How can I keep her from ruining another kid's Christmas?

All I can think of is to begin talking about how every family has different holiday traditions. Everyone celebrates Christmas a little differently. Some cultures have Santa, some don’t. Some people don’t even celebrate Christmas – we’ve started talking about Hanukkah, Ramadan and Kwanzaa, and I’m sure she’ll be learning more about those being in public school. I hope this will help her understand that what we do in our family may be different from other people, but it’s not necessarily right or wrong. I want her to share about our traditions, but not to feel self-conscious or – worse – self-righteous.

I want her to be proud of our family and what we do. Even if its different.

Originally posted on the Philly Moms Blog.