parenting

new best friend

Melissa 6 Comments

Gracie wanted another American Girl doll more than anything this Christmas, but didn’t get her. She’s such a poor, neglected child, right? 😉 So this resourceful little business girl managed to buy herself and Ruthie a new friend.

We were so proud of her. She came to us and told us how she really wanted Kit, why she wanted her in particular and how she wanted to pay for her with her Christmas money. (My in-laws usually take the kids to Toys R Us and let them go nuts, but she asked if she put the money towards her doll instead.) With that, plus selling all her gift cards to the Bank of Mom and Dad, she had just enough money for Kit! Such a smart little thing!!

Now she’s saving her money for more American Girl clothes for her girls.

By the way – 5-7 days for shipping is approximately FOREVER when you are 7.

teaching kids about money through giving

Melissa

This post was underwritten by BMO Harris Bank, which offers a matching $25 on a new savings account opened for your child through their Helpful Steps for Parents program. Learn more at bmoharris.com/parents.

I have found that teaching kids about money is very challenging. Especially when, like us, you live in an area that has income levels that are well above average. This has given my children (and us, actually) a very unrealistic idea of what is a ‘need’ as opposed to a ‘want.’ For example, my eight year old daughter’s Christmas list includes an iPad and “real Uggs, not the fake ones.”
I really, really wish I was joking about that.

So what do we do? How do I teach my kids to value money when they are surrounded by people who throw money around? When I indulge them so often with books at Barnes and Noble or that small toy from the dollar section at Target?

First we started giving the kids allowance. But that didn’t really help. They just liked to sit in their room and count their money like Scrooge McDuck. Then we went on a spending freeze. Mommy and Daddy stopped buying them books, toys and general whatevers in the store. Boy, did that get their attention. If they really, really want Pokemon cards, they need to look at the price, look at their $2 a week allowance and decide if its worth it.

Initially they were blowing through they allowances as soon as we stepped foot in Target. But now, after 2-3 months, they are saving their money. Ellie decided she really wants an iPod Touch. Much cheaper than an iPad and more her size. She is saving her money to try and get a used one. My other daughter has started saving for another American Girl doll. I was amazed that they set their sights so high! I was expecting them to save $10 or so!

Our other lesson with allowances is how to give. They tithe their allowance to church the first Sunday of the month. Then, every year at Christmas, we all give a portion of our Christmas money to buy a farm animal for a family in need. It is so simple, but I cannot even describe how this has affected my kids. We watched the videos of how a single goat can save a family from poverty in Africa.  I remember them saying, “What a cool play house!” And I had to explain that the tiny house with the dirt floor was that family’s home. They were truly amazed and humbled that they could make such a difference in a family’s life with so little.  And they were instantly excited to help. They gave so generously last year – they were able to buy a goat!


This year, when the catalog arrived, they were looking through deciding what their goal was – maybe a sheep or some ducks? Then they came up with an idea. If we got more people to give, we could buy even more! We should get our friends involved! Long story short, our girls are organizing a bake sale on December 5th to raise money to buy farm animals for Africa. They are working with about 20 kids and planning a huge sale. Their goal is to buy a sheep and a goat.  I can not even tell you how proud I am of them! Not only are they excited about giving, but they are mobilizing their friends to do the same.
I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. To learn more about BMO Harris Bank, visit their website http://bmoharris.com/parents.

when they try – and lose

Melissa 6 Comments

Last week, Ellie announced she wanted to run for student council. She’s only in third grade, so I’m not quite sure what the student council actually does, but whatever. It would be good for her.  She was so excited. We mentioned that she might not win, and she was like, “Yeah, I know, I know. But I might win!” I so loved her optimism.

She asked me to help her prepare her speech on why she would do a good job. It was the cutest little speech about how she showed all the Six Pillars of Character her school emphasizes (Respect, Responsibility, Fairness, Trustworthiness, Caring and Citizenship):

She practiced her speech over and over on Tuesday night, in front of all of us, with a big smile and very political hand gestures. (It was like she was watching political speeches with the finger pointing for emphasis.) Before bed, she prayed she would win and asked the family to pray for her too.

So, it broke my heart when she came home on Wednesday and told me she lost. She tried to act like it was no big deal, like she didn’t really care and was happy for the winners. But I found her last night in her room, sitting under her desk. Crying.

It hurts when you try for something and lose.

We’ve been telling her over and over how proud we are, how important it was that she tried, how brave she was to run.

But it still hurts.

 

 

mean

Melissa 11 Comments

Yesterday Colin came home from school and we were sitting at the table eating our lunch. He was telling me about his day at school, how he had music class and painted on an easel and played with cars. Then he said, “Mommy, some boy called me stupid.”

*insert sound of my heart breaking*

I felt so terrible. He’s only three. Stupid is not a word we use in our house. He knows its a bad thing to call someone that.
Colin said, “When he said that, it made me feel really, really sad.” Then he asked, “Am I stupid?”

“No, of course not!” I said.
“Then why did he say that?”

Three is too young to learn that sometimes people are mean. Its too young to learn that sometimes people will say things to hurt you on purpose. Its just too young to be mean.

 

 

the baby birds

Melissa

Ellie came running over to us, so excited.
“Mom, Dad! I found a bird’s nest! With baby birds in it!”

As she told us the story, we learned that while she was exploring in the woods, she saw a bird coming out of a hollow tree. She went to check it out and looked inside – breaking off a bit of the trunk in the process. She discovered a nest filled with baby birds – she had held one of the baby birds and put it back in the nest.

Our eyes met over her head, distressed. We both thought she might have just killed those birds. (Because isn’t it true that when you touch baby birds their parents will abandon them because of your scent?) But what should we say? Her soft heart would just break in half if she thought she had hurt a baby bird. She was so, so excited about the baby birds – literally bouncing where she stood as she told about how she found them. Ellie adores animals of all types and wants to be a zookeeper or a vet when she grows up. This knowledge would kill her. We talked a bit about how you need to leave baby birds alone – just look, not touch.

I was heartbroken. I know about the Circle of Life, I’ve seen Planet Earth. I know that baby carnivores need to eat too.  But it still broke my heart that these birds might die because of her innocent curiosity.

But then…

Then the next morning, my heart sang as we saw the mother and father birds flying close to the nest, feeding the babies and protecting them. Once we got home, we learned that birds shunning their babies after human contact is an old wives tale – birds actually have a weak sense of smell, so they don’t notice the smell of humans. As long as you leave the nest alone, they’ll return. (But clearly baby birds are very delicate, so you shouldn’t touch.)

I was so, so happy. I was just imagining her hearing someday about how touching baby birds can kill them – and realizing that one of her most precious childhood memories was actually awful. That those baby birds she found died because of her. I’m so, so thankful that isn’t the case. That we don’t have to decide whether to keep the truth from her or not.

Now we just have the beautiful memory of witnessing these tiny creatures just starting their lives and our precious Ellie has an amazing picture of God’s care and love for His creatures. And for her…

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns,
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

 

 

kids and entitlement

Melissa 10 Comments

Colin came running up to me, all excited: “MAMA! There a Cars car and helmet on TV!”
“Wow! Cool!”
“Can you get it for me?”
“No, not right now.”

(insert tantrum.)

Seriously?

I wish I could say this happened to someone else’s kid. But, nope!  That’s all mine.

I was outraged. He has at least 30 little Cars character cars. Not to mention a Cars playtent, a Cars scooter, Cars decals on his walls, Cars tshirts, Cars underwear… and he already has a Cars helmet! And here he is, laying on the floor of the family room in tears because I will not run out this very second and buy him a Cars Powerwheels that he is too young to drive anyway!!!

How do you distinguish between a want and a need with a three year old? I have no idea. He honestly seemed to think that he was being wronged by my not running out to buy him a $300 toy! Where did this sense of entitlement come from? I had no idea how to handle this.

But this is what I did.

We went up to his room and looked at all of his toys. We looked at his big container of Cars, his other toys, his many books. We took out the Cars book that he got at Barnes and Noble on Tuesday. (He got to pick out a book because he had gone pee-pee on the potty 7 days in a row.)  We went downstairs and looked at his Cars scooter and I showed him his Cars helmet.

We talked about being thankful for the things we have. I made him tell me his favorite toys and why he likes them and is thankful for them. We remembered all the gifts he had just gotten for his birthday. Then we talked about all the children who have no toys, like the kids in Haiti that Daddy saw.  Then we talked about the car. “It was really cool, wasn’t it? But I don’t think it will work for us right now.”

By the end of all this, he was calm. He apologized for throwing a fit and gave me a kiss. And he went off to play with his toys happily.

But this scares me! I’m seeing it more and more in my kids lately. They seem  to be constantly expecting things – and I don’t really know what to do. What do you think about a ‘freeze’? Maybe all of us not buying anything we don’t need for a month?  Would that help them see what is a want and a need? Or should we focus on their allowance and being stricter about them buying ‘extras’ with their own money?

Anyone have any ideas?

letting go. and letting little people load the dishwasher.

Melissa 6 Comments

Lately we have been encouraging our kids to take more responsibility around the house. Now that I started working part-time (Did I not mention that? I’ve probably been too busy!), help is just what I need around here. Obviously, its important to give kids responsibilities for jobs around the home. Its not just to be helpful to busy parents, but teaching children to become cooperative members of a household is one of the best ways to teach them responsibility. And it is a vital step in developing caring, considerate adults.

I know this.

But it is seriously trying my patience. You have no idea.

I’m one of those people who usually just does things myself because I want it done “just so.”  The dishes must be done immediately after dinner. The plates go here, the bowls go there, the cups go here and the coffee cups must go over there. So it is hard for me to sit at the table while a 8-year-old and 6-year-old load the dishwasher with GOOD HEAVENS a 3-year-old helping. Oh, you should see the way the kids load the dishwasher.

It makes me twitch. I am not kidding.

And, oh, the messes. The living room can be perfectly clean. I blink… and its trashed. And their rooms. THEIR ROOMS. LORD, HAVE MERCY. And who cleans it up? Me. But why? What is that teaching my kids? Now that the girls are in elementary school, its time to make their toys and their room their responsibility.

Hold me.

Their room is a great training ground for them to learn responsibility for their possessions. Learning to set the table, make a bed and run a vacuum cleaner are basic skills that are just as important as learning ABCs. If we continually clean up their messes, what are they learning? How is that helping them? And if I continually criticize the job they are doing, how will that encourage them to keep at it?

No. We need to let them do these chores on their own. And keep quiet.

We made up a chore chart and its been helping them keep up.  The kids like seeing things checked off and it a good way to cut down on nagging. They know exactly what they need to do every day.

The Chore Chart has helped immensely! It is a clear way for them to know what is expected, for us to track what they are doing and for my husband and I to keep on track as well. There’s no power struggles, since the kids know exactly what is expected throughout the week.

And the best part of this whole thing (besides the learning responsibility thing)? Colin doesn’t want to be left out. He is following around his sisters, ‘helping’ them the way they used to ‘help’ us. So he’s learning how to do the dishes, clean up the kid’s bathroom and pick up his room by watching his sisters. Love it.

What are your tricks for dealing with chores and kids?

not too busy to minister: ways for busy families to serve others

Melissa 6 Comments

While my husband is off on a mission trip, I’ve been thinking a lot about my ministry which lately,  has been feeling non-existent. By the time I’m done with cooking, cleaning, diapering, running around and working, I barely have time to sleep, nevermind lead a Bible Study or something.

Personally, my go-to excuse is “But I don’t have time!” or “I’m already so busy.”

Yet we are called to serve others and make the most of wherever God has placed us — even when we’re a busy family with young kids. This year, my husband and I decided we needed to make more of an effort to reach out to those around us – and it took some planning, but we’ve done it. When we schedule ministry into our schedule, it happens. When we don’t, it doesn’t.

Here are some simple ways that even busy families can minister to those around them:

  • MAKING MEALS
    You already have to cook dinner – cooking a double batch is hardly any more work. Drop off a meal for that friend with three sick kids, or that neighbor who’s husband is out-of-town or that friend who is in the trenches of morning sickness, but needs to feed her kids.
    Keep a meal in the freezer, so even if you’re busy you can pick up a bag of salad and a loaf of bread at the store and you’ll have a complete meal ready to drop off for someone who needs it on a moment’s notice.
  • CARE PACKAGES
    Perfect for college students, friends or family in the military or sick people. If you don’t know anyone personally, you can find a soldier without family to support them through sites like Soldiers Angels. Allow your children to help shop for goodies and include notes from themselves.  We send packages to our babysitter, who is in college, with pictures and letters from the kids and Starbucks gift cards. When my brother-in-law was deployed, iTunes gift cards were really appreciated by the guys!
    Care packages are also great for friends who are on bed rest – when I was on bed rest with my son, a friend dropped off a huge package with books for me, coloring books and movies for the kids, and tons of paper goods for my husband so he wouldn’t have to do dishes. It was the sweetest thing! 
  • CARDS AND LETTERS
     Most of us hardly ever get “real” mail anymore. So isn’t it a treat when you sort through the bills and credit card applications and see a note from a friend? Have your kids become pen pals with their great-grandparents or a relative that lives far away. Send some of the piles of artwork your kids create to grandparents or friends. A letter or colorful picture in the mail can brighten someone’s day and only costs a stamp!
    Keep a stash of blank notecards in the car – you can write a quick “thinking of you” note when you’re waiting at preschool dropoff. It takes two minutes and will make someone’s day!
  • SPONSOR A CHILD
    Join Compassion International and your family can sponsor a child in any number of countries. Keep their photo in a prominent place where your family can pray for them, have children can do chores or have a lemonade stand to earn money towards the support and many times you can even exchange letters with your sponsored child.
    There also may be a missionary family at your church with young children who might be a great pen pal for your child! Its a great way to bring your focus outside of your little world and teach your kids about other cultures.
  • HOSPITALITY
    This is number one. Whether its a playdate with a neighbor, having an elderly neighbor over for coffee or inviting another family over for dinner, hospitality is an excellent way to minister to others.  It is a great way to get to know people and provides opportunities for deepening relationships and having real conversations!
    We often have another family over on Friday evenings – we have a simple meal (or order pizza), then put on a movie for the kids (complete with popcorn) and we parents get to enjoy some adult conversation. Its great!

Be sure to explain to your kids why we do these things: we are showing others the love of Jesus, serving others and using the gifts God as given us for His glory!

nagging me to insanity

Melissa 11 Comments

(warning: total brain dump ahead)

I don't think that Gracie know I can hear her right now.

She just got in trouble and sent to her room. So she is sitting on her bed, crying, and talking about how "Its not fair. I wait and wait and wait and she never lets me do anything. Its not fair."

She is in trouble – once again – for nagging. When she gets something into her head (like this morning, it was painting with glitter paints) she will ask me every 5 minutes if she can do it now. After I have said things like, "Not now, Gracie." "Mama is in the shower, Gracie, so you need to wait." "Gracie, I said not now." "NOT NOW." "Do NOT ask me again, Gracie." "Gracie, I said to wait." and usually ends with something like "NO. GIVE ME THE PAINTS AND GO SIT IN TIMEOUT."

She drives me crazy.

And I have talked and talked to her about not nagging but she still does it all the time. For everything. If she wants a drink of juice, she will ask me every 2 seconds until she gets one. If I buy a special craft, she will ask me every single hour of every single day if she can do it now.

And she doesn't even seem to realize she is doing it! I'll say, "Gracie, you JUST asked me that!" And she's like "I did?"

I have no idea how to handle this.

I've started saying that if she asks me to do something three times after I have said no, she doesn't get to do it. But she is not getting to to anything now. I realize she just wants to paint – which is not a bad thing – but she seems to have no concept of the other people in the family and their needs. I have a two year old, she clearly cannot paint when I'm not available to sit right there. We have homework to do, errands to run, school to attend – there is not a lot of free time in the day, so it is hard to fit in crafts these days. And I know she misses it, but I just can't some days and she doesn't understand. She's six – this shouldn't be that hard of a concept.

I'm also noticing she does this with her siblings. "Ellie lets play horses." "Ellie! Lets play horses. Comeon!" "MOM! Ellie won't play horses with me!" (Meanwhile poor Ellie is sitting quietly trying to read a book. Because that all happened in about 2 minutes.) Its coming out pretty clearly as bossiness towards her siblings… maybe I should look at nagging as her trying to boss me around? We always tell her when she gets bossy that "its not loving to force people to always do what YOU want!" I don't know. Is this nagging a carryover of bossiness?

What do you think? Does anyone have words of advice here?

overcoming the mama bear instinct

Melissa 8 Comments

Friday afternoon my cell phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Mrs. Girlymama. This is Mrs. C, the school principal. Ellie is here in my office. There was an incident on the bus."

My mind was racing. Ellie? In a fight? What? Ellie doesn't even fight with her siblings! She and her sister argue, but there's never any hitting or out right fighting! Was this the bully from before?

"A little boy bit her on the bus. And she's very upset, so I took her off the bus."

WHAT?

I stopped mid-email and threw the other kids in the car and raced over to the school. Ellie was sitting in the principal's office in a chair, an ice pack on her hand, and a tear-stained face. As soon as she saw me, the tears started again. I took her in my arms and began to get the story…

The boy who was sitting in the seat in front of her  grabbed her, tugged her arm into his seat and bit her. She didn't know his name or what grade he was in. I calmed her down and the principal looked me straight in the eye and said, "This WILL be taken care of. I'm calling his parents and he will be in my office first thing Monday morning."

Ellie asked if we could stop at the playground – and of course I said yes – and we got home about an hour later. I was getting dinner on the table when she came up to me and said her hand hurt.

I could see the teeth marks on her hand. And the nail marks from where he grabbed her.

I'm livid that someone hurt her like this. And as I held her in my arms and praying with her and talking about how she needed to forgive this little boy, I realized I was talking to myself as well.

I don't know why he did this. I don't know what his story is or where he's coming from. But this is the first time this has happened so maybe he was just reacting to something outside of Ellie. I need to forgive him too and pray for his little heart.

Even though my motherly instinct is to smack him.

****
I realized as Ellie was about to get on the bus this morning that I needed to talk to her about not gossiping about this little boy. We had a quick chat about not saying mean things about him to other people. The whole bus saw this happen and I'm sure people will be talking about it. But I don't want her to start bad mouthing this kid – lets not provoke him more, shall we? Talk about a hard thing to explain!! Any advice?