Girlymama

Saturday evening, I was sitting smushed on a loveseat gabbing with two beloved girlfriends and one of them brought up a profound truth: "Women need women."

It got me thinking. My husband is my best friend. But he's not a girlfriend. And, wonderful as he is, he could never take the place of my girlfriends.

* Girlfriends understand mothering. While my husband obviously is sharing this whole parenting thing with me, I don't think he truly understands what its like to be a mom. To be with the kids all. the. time. To get so angry and annoyed at your adorable baby that you need to throw something. To get so overwhelmed, frustrated, tired that you find yourself sitting on the floor of your closet, crying. To cry right along with your baby because you just don't know what else to do. Its so hard to explain to him sometimes.  I probably come off sounding hormonal (which is probably a true diagnosis, but still…) But I can call a girlfriend and she knows exactly  how I am feeling.

* Three things: fashion, home decor, and celebrity gossip. Most straight guys have no interest in those. (not to make generalizations. There are exceptions to every rule.) The very thought of paint samples makes my husband's eyes glaze over. But the girlfriends  understand that there really is a difference  between the five shades of tan I have taped to the wall. We can discuss any one of these topics at length. Preferably over drinks.   

* Girlfriends provide advice.  Within my little group of friends, I could probably find someone who has experienced whatever I am going through, whether its a sick child, a laid-off husband, potty-training, mommy guilt, postpartum depression, anything. It is such a comfort to know that I can turn to them with any crazy thing that pops up in my life and they can not only relate, but usually have some great advice to get me started.

* Girlfriends understand reproduction. Yes, husbands got the basics in health class. But girlfriends know. About cramps. What its like to be nauseous for months at a time. Never being comfortable. The pure, unbridled terror you feel when you realize that this baby must get out. And it is going to really, really hurt. And the nursing: being the only one who can feed the baby. Every 2 hours. For weeks at a time. To watch your husband sleeping as you are feeding the baby for the 4th time that night and really, truly wanting to punch him. Hard. They understand what its like to never dream anymore because you haven't had a complete sleep cycle in months. And they understand how you can love your baby more than life itself and still be a good mom while occasionally dreaming about running away from home. Alone.

* Girlfriends understand my fears. Things that sometimes seem irrational to husbands. (Because, let's face it, they are irrational. But no less real.) Pretend fears that happen after I watch a movie or CSI too late at night. Very real fears about my kids being wierd. Or something happening to my husband. Or if having another baby will render me unable to wear a bikini any longer (So is it worth the risk? Am I really that shallow? I am? And that's not good?).

* Girlfriends keep me real. My girlfriends are trustworthy women of God who are not afarid to call me out on things. If I'm struggling with something, they are right there beside me, helping in any way they can. But if I'm wrong (and this only happens very rarely, you realize), they are right there saying, "Are you sure you think that? Why?" or "No way, girl. You need to change that attitude."  But they don't just call me out. They help me change and pray for me and support me. They offer sympathy, but not pity. They offer therapy and a good laugh when I need it.

I realize that I am really lucky to have the girlfriends that I have. And now I feel inspired to have a girls' night out. Go call your girlfriends and have one, too.

There are some obvious, mushy qualities that everyone talks about. Things like a mother's "unconditional love" and "patience" and "self-sacrifice" blah blah blah. But I've been noticing some not-so-sentimental ones that come in very handy in keeping sane during this little adventure called motherhood.

1. the ability to ignore things. Things like sticky floors. Fingerprints on the walls. That the entire roll of toilet paper has been unrolled and then (very messily) re-rolled going the wrong direction. That little foot that will not stop kicking the back of your seat no matter how many times you ask its owner to stop. That favorite movie or cd that plays over and over and over and over and over….

2. the ability to hold two conversations simultaneously. This usually comes in handy when you are talking on the telephone. Because you can not even see your kids all day until the phone rings. Then they have at least 6 very important questions. This may fluster some people, but a mom can take it in stride. "Yes, I'm calling to make an appointment for my minivan. No, you can not have a cookie right now. I was hoping to bring it in next week. Because I said so, that's why. Well, its making this weird clunking sound when I turn corners. I mean it, if you take a cookie you will be in big trouble! I checked under all the seats and found a bunch of stuff, but its still making that sound. Oh, you are in so much trouble when I hang up this phone, young lady. Wednesday is perfect! Thanks!"

3. the ability to survive on very, very little sleep. This is learned quite early and comes in handy often. The exhaustion does not end when the baby is "sleeping through the night." There will still be nights where you are up 6 times with your four-year-old.

4. the ability to get down and dirty. Besides the fact that you may find it seriously difficult to shower, no job is beneath you now that you are a mom. Cleaning up poop? Your job. Getting peed on? Check. Human Kleenex? That's you. Barf? Oh, yes. There will be barf. All you, honey.

5. the ability to keep your mouth shut. Like when you want to scream "What is the matter with you? Have you learned absolutely nothing since you've been born!?!?!?" But instead you grit your teeth and say "Now what did we learn about flushing rocks down the toilet? Is that a good idea?" This really comes into play when your child starts to dress themselves. "Um, yeah. That looks great, sweetie. I would have never thought to wear those things together. Are those my socks?"

6. the ability to multi-task. This is not surfing the Internet while watching tv or ironing while talking on the phone. This is serious multi-tasking. This is cooking dinner while helping your child with homework while vacuuming while making lunches for tomorrow while doing laundry while baking cupcakes for a class party. During which you might be talking on the phone to another mom doing the same things.

7. the ability to get over it. Quickly. Get over that sickness. Get over being tired. Get over that bad mood. Get over that annoyance with the know-it-all room mother who you really, really want to tell to get over herself. Get over that lingering anger with your child. Moms have to power through and keep going. Life is too quick and too busy to stay sick/mad/annoyed for long.

8. the ability to live without privacy.  It starts in the delivery room where your sense of modesty gets stomped on by the legions of perfect strangers who will see your hoo-ha. Its never getting to pee by yourself. Its having your peaceful shower interrupted, as your child's head pops into view asking, "Are you done yet, Mom?" Its never being able to eat or drink anything without answering 20 questions about what it is, what it tastes like and whether they can have some. Its little bodies crowding you out of your own bed. Its little mouths that repeat things you say, sometimes with embarrassing consequences.

9. the ability to wing it. You can plan and plan and plan. But your day will rarely reflect said plan. Kids get sick on the day you absolutely must go somewhere important. Babysitters cancel and you're stuck dragging your kids to your ob/gyn appointment where they ask terribly embarrassing questions while your doctor (who has 3 kids herself) tries not to laugh outloud. Or your day was going perfectly normal and somehow you ended up in the emergency room wondering how many stitches it will take this time. Or you go to open that package of chicken breasts for dinner and notice a funny smell so you look at the package to discover they expired week ago. Or you forget to make dinner completely. So you put everyone in their pajamas and announce its backwards day and you're all having cereal for dinner.

What qualities do you think mom's need to have?

originally posted 27 sept 2007